


Broken Memories

by 3ndoftheline



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Angst, F/M, Heavy Angst, Language, Original Character Death(s), as usual lmao i cant control myself im sorry, light fluff, so ill tag this as, teensy tiny bit of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-19
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-08-09 19:13:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7813816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3ndoftheline/pseuds/3ndoftheline
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I did not fall in love with you just to lose you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken Memories

**Author's Note:**

> hi hi hi! Still busy uploading my works from tumblr to here but this was probably one of my favorite ones to write? Idk man I guess I like to suffer. Anyways, this comes as no shock but you can find me on tumblr (I'm literally always on there) it's the same username as the one that I have here (3ndoftheline) but yeah so I hope you guys enjoy this :)

When I first agreed to work as a consultant with Stark Industries, I expected myself stuck in a conference room, trying to reason with the infamous Tony Stark. But, when he found out I was an expert in robotics with a doctorate in mechanical engineering, I suddenly went from annoying scientist trying to keep him from launching a robotic attack in Moscow to a valuable asset that needed to be transferred. While Tony was very good at what he did, turns out he was only good with robots when they were only mechanical, not if a part of the robot was attached to a breathing human, which was where I came in.

When I arrived at Stark Tower two weeks later, all I knew was that Tony Stark needed me in my lab (yeah, I got my own fucking lab) and ready to go within the hour I arrived. I didn’t waste any time, not even bothering to check out my room (I got my own room too) as I followed one of his assistants up ten floors and to a huge lab that took up at least half of the tenth floor. I had enough time to drop my bag off and fit myself into a lab coat when Tony Stark breezed in, followed by a man dressed in all black, dark hair fell into his brooding eyes.

“There she is!” Tony practically boomed, his voice bounced off the empty walls. I gave him a tentative smile before I was swept up into a bone-crushing hug. “Glad you could finally make it, Frostbite over here was getting a little antsy.” I followed his gaze to the man who had followed him in. He was seated in the black chair that sort of resembled a dentist’s chair. His eyes stared down Tony with a look that could only be described as pure disgust.

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” I apologized quickly and Tony was quick to shrug my apology aside.

“This is Bucky, James, or Frosty, whatever you prefer to call him. He’s the one who screwed up his metal arm and while I know how to fix a metal arm, his is much more advanced. His is–”

“–connected to his brain, making the procedure much more delicate than normal robotics,” I finished for him. I glanced at the arm. I could see the sliver of metal peeking through the gap between the man’s glove and the beginning of his sweater sleeve. It was amazing, really. In a totally scientific sense, not in a moral sense. Morally, it was horrific and just the mere thought made my stomach churn.

Tony glanced at me in surprise before he grinned. “I knew you’d fit right in. Well, I’ll leave you kids to it. Watch out, Frosty has got quite the sting, especially when you get near his metal icicle.” He laughed before he sauntered out, saying something to JARVIS before the doors closed behind him. I returned my attention to the man, the _Winter Soldier_. It was still hard to believe he was actually real, let alone in need of my help. I saw the news; I saw how he basically handed Captain America’s ass to him. But I just thought it was the media playing on the conspiracy theories. I never thought he was actually real. And _God_ was he attractive.

I swallowed thickly before I stepped forward. “Hi, um, Bucky. Can I call you Bucky? Are you okay with that? Or do you prefer something else?” He regarded me with a cold stare, his eyes empty as his gaze flicked up and down my body. I felt like I was being scrutinized, put on display. Just as I was about to break the awkward silence, he spoke.

“Bucky is fine.”

“Alright, okay, cool. Um, nice to meet you Bucky. I’m Cori, if nobody has told you. I actually don’t know what they told you, they didn’t tell me much. Anyways, that’s totally off topic. But, yeah, um, I’m here to fix your arm. If you don’t mind, I’d like to see it. Just to see the physical damage. Then we’ll run some tests and diagnostics to see what’s going on underneath. Is that okay?”

He was silent and I almost began to wonder if he hadn’t heard me until he shrugged his shoulders lightly and pulled up the sleeve to his sweater, cautiously laying it out on the arm rest. I sucked in a deep breath, steeled my nerves and ignored every warning bell in my system as I walked forward and examined the arm that was responsible for nearly two dozen deaths in over fifty years.

* * *

Bucky and I began to build a tentative friendship. We saw each other nearly every day. He would show up, five in the afternoon on the dot. We would run tests; I would explain the tests to him and allow him to examine the machines I would use before I did anything. I always made sure to ask his permission, to see if he was okay. It was something I did without even thinking but it wasn’t something I forgot.

Bucky seemed to relax with each day that passed and I even got a smile out of him last week. It wasn’t much but it left me grinning for the rest of the day. It’s completely ridiculous, I’m well aware, and I tried very hard to not let it affect me. I was a _scientist_ for God’s sakes. I was here on a mission, a simple one: fix Bucky’s arm. I didn’t have time for anything else.

Bucky came into the lab on the third Monday I had been at Stark Tower, wearing a gray t-shirt and sweatpants, his feet clad in socks. He plopped down onto the leather chair as I slid off from the counter where I was examining some of his test result

“Hiya Buck.” I smiled as I approached him, flicking on the computers as I went. He nodded in return and the corners of his mouth lifted up. I swore my heart stuttered and a part of me wondered what would happen if he ever actually full on smiled. I’d probably flat-line at the rate I was going. “How was training?”

“Good.”

“How’d the arm hold up?”

“It was a little slow, but it didn’t feel as sluggish as before.”

I frowned a bit, certain I had fixed the problem last time. “Alright, well, let’s see what’s going on. I’m going to take a scan, remember the machine that sort of looks like a flashlight but it’s, like…ten times cooler? That’s the one I’m going to be using for this test. How does that sound?”

Bucky merely nodded and rolled the sleeve of his shirt up. When I returned with the device, my thumb hovered over the on switch when Bucky spoke. “Why do you do that?”

I glanced up at him with a furrowed brow. “What did I do?” _Fuck,_ had I fucked up? Had I said something? Done something? Was I too rushed? Did I not explain myself enough?

“Explain everything.” _Oh._ Looks like explaining myself enough wasn’t the issue. “Every time you do something, you explain it. Then ask my permission. Why?”

I shrugged. “It just seems right, I guess. I mean, for seventy years you were under Hydra’s control. Every move you made wasn’t yours, it was Hydra’s. And…I don’t know I just feel like right now, in this moment, you finally have the ability to choose. You finally have the chance to decide whether you want something or not. So I want to be able to give that to you, that ability to say yes or no. Because for years, someone else was doing that for you.” I flushed with hot embarrassment, suddenly realizing I sounded fucking crazy. _Who said shit like that?_ Especially to a guy who barely knew me? I knew I sounded out of my damn mind and immediately wanted to sink into the floor and melt away. “Sorry, that probably sounded stupid…um, yeah sorry – I’ll–”

“No…it’s nice.” Bucky cut me off and I swore I stopped breathing. “Nobody’s ever thought of me…like that. Letting me have a choice, it’s nice. Thank you.”

My jaw fell open and it took me a few seconds to scramble a _slightly_ coherent sentence. “Uh, yeah. Sure. No problem.” I nodded quickly, and again, wanted to drop off the face of the earth. Bucky looked up at me and smile. A full, toothy smell that reached the flushed tips of his cheeks.

And I was right. I absolutely flat-lined.

* * *

 “Hey JARVIS?” I called out as I stared helplessly at the stacks of papers in front of me.

“Yes Miss Lynn?”

“Play me something good.” I needed something to cheer me up. I had been staring at papers for hours, trying to make sense of it all. Trying to see where I messed up. The numbers kept adding up, they made _sense_ it was just the outcome that wasn’t making any sense.

Bucky had gone out on a mission to take out a Hydra base hidden in the middle of who knows where. Steve and Natasha had gone with him. It was supposed to be routine, like any other mission. But this base did something to Bucky’s arm, had some sort of invisible shield that fucked up his arm in a whole different type of way. The shield had somehow warped Bucky’s arm and made it completely useless. Eventually his arm returned to its full working capacities, but not after Bucky got the shit beaten out of him, coming back bloody and bruised.

I knew I had to have missed something, a variable in an equation must have not added up like I thought it had. The whole reason I was brought down to Stark Tower was to prevent exactly what had happened, to make sure Bucky’s arm was never _ever_ used as a weapon against him. But I had failed. Royally, miserably failed.

“Miss Lynn?” JARVIS interrupted my train of thought. “Sergeant Barnes is here to see you.”

I cringed. While normally I welcomed Bucky’s visitations with open arms, today he was the last person I wanted to see. I couldn’t look him in the eyes right now.

“Tell him I’m not in,” I responded as I turned back to the papers. My eyes ran over the graphs again, but I knew it would come out the same. It always did.

“You’ve always been a terrible liar.”

“Shit – _fuck,_ Bucky!” I jumped about a foot in the air, my heart jumped into my throat as I nearly had a fucking heart attack. I refused to turn around and chose to grip the metal counter with my hands. “Can you not sneak up on me like that?”

“You’re avoiding me.” He wasn’t asking, he was stating it like it was a fact. Which it totally was, it just really bothered me how he realized it so easily.

“No I’m not. I’ve just been busy.” Again, another horribly executed lie. I heard Bucky sigh behind me, like he was a worried parent and I was the rebellious child.

“Busy avoiding me.”

“Now is _not_ the time, Bucky. I’m super busy with…stuff, okay? I can’t be bothered.”

“ _Stuff_?” He repeated incredulously and I could almost hear his eyebrows rising.

“Yes. Stuff. Very important, super science stuff, okay? It’s super complicated, not even Dr. Banner would understand. Just…fuck, I don’t know, I need to do this so please, I need my space.”

There was silence. It was so long that I in fact thought Bucky had left. Of course, I was wrong. _Again_. “Why won’t you look at me?” I could hear the sadness in his voice, the confusion laced in between. It wrenched my heart to hear him like that, to know it was me who was making him sad. I clenched my jaw as I focused my gaze on the papers before me.

“I…I _can’t_.” Was all I could muster out, my voice sounded just above a whisper.

There was another beat of silence. “Cori, _please_. Look at me. Don’t avoid me like everyone else, please.” Fuck, he got me there. I rolled my lips into my mouth and reluctantly turned my head to face his and nearly gasped out loud.

While normally I found myself focusing on Bucky’s strong jaw, the soft redness of his lips and how smoky his eyes were, like staring into a smoldering fire; today all I could see were the purple bruises that flared along his jaw and the deep cut that ran from his temple to his ear, still angry and inflamed. His stark beauty was compromised by the horrible contusions, injuries that were my entire fault.

“Oh God,” I breathed out as I stared in horror. “Bucky…God, I am _so_ sorry.”

He jerked back, the skin between his eyebrows furrowed into a frown. “Why are you sorry?”

“This…what happened to you, it’s my fault. And I’m so sorry…it’s all – I’m so _so_ sorry.” I stood up, ready to go get ice (like that would have done anything to help) but I felt a hand grasp my wrist before I could go a step further. My pulse sputtered at an unhealthy rate when I realized it was _Bucky’s_ hand holding me back. His touch was warm and soft, a complete contrast to the cuts that laced the back of his palm.

“This,” he motioned to his face and made me cringe when his hand passed over the ugly bruises, “is _not_ your fault. This is all Hydra.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I muttered miserably. “My job is to make sure your arm can never be used against you, to never break again in the way that it did. And I _failed_.”

“Hey, stop that.” Bucky’s voice was so soft and gentle, I wanted to cry. “I don’t blame you.”

“You should,” I nearly spit out. “Bucky, you could have died out there and it would have been my fault. I failed you and the team. If I can’t even fix your fucking arm, which I’ve been working on for almost three months now, I’m literally useless. I didn’t do the _one_ thing–” I was cut off when a pair of soft yet slightly chapped lips covered my own. I swore I stopped breathing. Because Bucky, _the_ Bucky Barnes, the guy I had been secretly (but not so secretly – _fuck_ Natasha) crushing on since I stepped foot into Stark Tower was kissing me. I realized I had just stayed frozen in place when Bucky began to pull away. Instantly, I craved his touch and sparked to life.

I threw my arms around him and molded my mouth to his; kissing him back with everything I had in me. Bucky’s left hand rested softly on my hip. The tips of his fingers just barely brushed the sliver of skin that peeked out from the hem of my blouse. His right hand was much more eager, exploring the length of my back and braiding his fingers into my hair. He tasted of coffee and cinnamon, an odd but intoxicating mix. He was everywhere at once and exactly where I wanted him to be for months.

I finally pulled away because unlike Bucky, I didn’t ever super stamina and my lungs actually burned from lack of oxygen. I was panting when I opened my eyes and Bucky was slightly breathless, his eyes bright and filled with a light that only appeared when I was around.

“Wow,” I summed up, mustering the only word I could formulate. Bucky threw his head back and laughed, a musical sound that made me wish he would never stop laughing. I fucking loved his laugh.

“Don’t ever say that you’re useless,” Bucky whispered. His palm cupped my jaw as his calloused thumb traced the line of my cheekbone. He leaned down again and kissed me soft and slow, but it left me even more breathless than last time.

“You are _everything_.” All I could do was smile as I wrapped a hand around his neck and pulled him down for another long and lingering kiss.

* * *

I had learned, in my year at Stark Tower and working closely with the Avengers that things never _ever_ went as planned. And today was absolutely no different.

I was scheduled on the Navy destroyer the U.S.S. Carlton to work on their propulsion systems that afternoon. I boarded the ship no problem and things were going smoothly, like it was planned.

Until, it didn’t.

One second I was discussing torque with one of the officers and then the next second men dressed in all black tactical gear burst out from every corner and every cranny of the boat. Bullets flew everywhere and ricocheted off of the steel beams. Screams and frantic shouts mingled with the deadly _ping_ of the bullets. I moved to duck behind one of the control consoles as I listened to heavy accents filter through the _pop, pop, pop_ of bullets. Everything happened at once and I could barely breathe as I tried to think, anything to keep the situation from going bad to worse.

But before I could even try to formulate a plan, a pair of heavy black boots interrupted my line of sight and I looked up to see a pair of ice cold eyes staring at me from above a black cloth. They were empty and void of anything. I opened my mouth to…I don’t even know what I could’ve said to change his mind, I would’ve done anything, but it was too late. My words were forced in my throat when I felt something tear through my stomach, my ribs, my shoulder and then my hip.

I sat there as pain exploded and then ended all at once, everything numb and so, oh _so_ cold. I couldn’t hear anything and I couldn’t feel anything. I knew I was on the ground when my eyes fixated on the steel ceiling, and I knew the blood was pooling against my back, warm and sticky. But everything was _cold_ and everything was _numb._

My eyes fell closed as the ceiling began to blur. Nothing was focused. It was like staring into a dark cloud. Like I was suspended. Floating in this world I didn’t know of, a world I wasn’t familiar with.

Until I _did_ hear something. My name. It was soft at first, but it slowly grew louder until it was _all_ I heard.

“Cori, baby…come on, open your eyes. Look at me, please…God, _please_ look at me.”

I opened my eyes and found a pair of crystal bright blue orbs staring at me, so bright and so full of light. Then I felt hands on my arms and neck, but I was still cold. So, so _cold_. I opened my mouth to say his name, but I couldn’t. I tasted iron and felt something trickle down the corner of my mouth and it became harder to breathe. _Everything_ became harder. It was harder to move, harder to speak, harder to _see_.

“Oh God – _fuck_ , I’m going to get you some help, okay? Just – _please_ stay with me, please. Where does it hurt, huh doll? Tell me where it hurts.”

I shook my head. Nothing hurt, I didn’t feel anything. I knew that probably wasn’t a good thing, but I was okay. “I’m okay,” I managed to say, my voice sounded wrong to me. Like it was far, far away.

“No – no, Cori, don’t tell me that. Please, _please_ don’t do this. Hey – eyes on me, don’t you _dare_ close your eyes, do you hear me? Steve, _Steve_ get me a medic, someone get me a fucking medic Cori is down. Someone–” I reached my hand up and touched his arm. His metal arm, the arm he hated and the arm I loved. The part of him that he wished he never had and the part of him that I always knew was so much more than just a weapon.

“Okay…I’m fine, Bucky.”

He swore under his breath as he ripped off the jacket he was wearing, leaving him in a long sleeved shirt as he pressed it to my stomach. I knew it should have hurt, I knew I should’ve complained, but I felt nothing.

“Please, Cori, _please_ stay with me. I can’t – I can’t lose you too…not you, please. I – I need you…I can’t, please, _please_ –” his voice cut off as a strangled sob escaped his throat. I reached my hand up and touched his flushed skin. I knew his skin was warm, it was _always_ warm. But now, it was cold. Everything was so cold.

“It’s alright,” I promised him. Bucky shook his head and his lips pressed against my palm.

“No, no, no, _no_. Don’t – Don’t, I’ll help…get you help – keep your eyes open, baby, _please_ don’t…I can’t – not you, please, _please_ not you. I – I love you…I love you so _much_ and I can’t lose you, please Cori, please. Stay with me, I love you…stay – _please_.” His eyes were so bright, so desperate, so manic and so _scared_. He was crying I could feel that on my skin. I was pretty sure I was crying too, but I wasn’t sure. His other hand, his left one, came up to cup my face and his thumb passed over my parted lips as breathing became harder and harder.

“Buck…I’m – I’m okay,” I breathed out in labored, long breaths as everything became blurry again. I was so _cold_ I couldn’t take it anymore.

“No, God… _no_ Cori – stay with…stay with me, don’t you _fucking_ close your eyes. I’m going to get…I’ll – I’ll get you out of this, okay? Okay? I swear to you – I’ll, I’ll fix you… just, _please_ don’t leave me. Don’t – not you, not you too. I love you…so much, so much and I need you, please – no, fuck, please Cori.” Everything began to ebb away as the cold seeped up my legs into my stomach and trickled its way through my chest until my cheeks froze as my fingers went numb. I opened my mouth to say something, _anything_ but my lips were so cold. The only thing I heard was Bucky, repeating himself, “Please, Cori…oh God – _no,_ no please, God _no_.” It was soft and it was fading but I still heard it as my eyes finally slid shut.

Everything went black, and everything went _numb._


End file.
